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Finally an update

9:20 p.m. - Saturday, May. 22, 2004

Well I guess it's been a while and it's time for a long overdue update. I don't really know where to begin and I can't yet go into all the details but I'll try to get out as much as I can. It's been about a year and four months to the day that I really stopped writing anything substantial in here. Enough time has gone by that I can start to tell what has happened since then. I believe you'll understand why it has taken so long and why an end hasn't come to some of the other things I will talk about.

Since my divorce I have had good times and bad times. Some great moments and some awful moments. Rather than write everything in chronological order I will break them up into groups. A while ago I got involved in an internet relationship that went bad. I wasn't in a realistic frame of mind when it happened and the girl involved certainly wasn't either. Online it all seemed great. We talked about getting married even though we didn't really even know each other. We talked about having kids, even though we didn't know what kind of a parent each other really was. Friends and relatives tried to talk sense into me but I couldn't hear them. Then we met! It was a complete disaster. The reality of it all set into me and I realized that I could never spend my life with a person like that. Not only was I not attracted to her at all but her personality was extremely lacking, she was lazy and in my opinion not a very good parent. Being a lonely guy who was still extremely confused and very horny I decided that I would try to make the best of it and I slept with her. I told her that I did not want to have children with her yet and she that was ok. She had brought a contraceptive that she said she would use. Not fully understanding just how emotionally damaged she was I believed her. There was no sexual energy whatsoever and no physical connection between us. I have never had a problem with sex but I found it difficult to even get aroused enough to do anything with her. I did manage though and after a couple of times I broke things off with her. When I ended things she immediately started bringing up the fact that she hoped she wasn't pregnant. It was then that I knew I had stepped onto a mine field. She had never taken any of the birth control and was actually using a fertility kit to see when the best time to get pregnant was. I couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it and refused to admit it could possibly be true. After a year went by and I hadn't heard anything from her I assumed the worst had passed and I had dodged that bullet. Until last November when I got a court order from the Public Aid department about a bastard child in Maryland. I was still optimistic and hoping there was some mistake when I went to take the DNA test. It turns out that it was mine. The only reason I found out was that she went on welfare and had to reveal who she thought the father was. I guess she gets the last laugh in the end since I have to pay her 145 dollars a week for the next 18 years. I have done a lot of thinking about this for quite awhile now and I've decided to have nothing to do with the child. It was her decision to get pregnant, her decision to have the baby and her decision to wait till she had to go on welfare to inform me about it. It may seem cruel and heartless for me to have nothing to do with it but that is something I will have to deal with. I have two beautiful children that fill my life with love and I dedicate my life to. They will never know about it, I will never see it and my only hope is that someone will take pity on this girl and marry her and hopefully adopt the child. Other than the money that the State is forcing me to pay I have nothing else to give.

I guess I should talk next about my ex-wife. Since my divorce we have always been like best friends. We have gotten back together several times and each time it has ended again in much the same way our marriage did. We have both dated several people. She even got re-married for a whole 4 months before she divorced him. I was in a relationship with someone for 6 months which I ended shortly after her divorce. For some inexplicable reason we are always drawn back together. I can never hold anything against her for what she has done to me. Despite all the pain and hurt that we have caused each other we are giving it another try. I have always loved her and will always love her and I hope that this time things really do work out. She is in counselling to help her deal with many of her fears and worries and for a change she is actually happy and confindent about the future. I'm entering into the relationship slowly and cautiously this time, hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst. Everyone knows we are meant to be together, we just have to see it for ourselves.

The next thing I have to talk about is the hardest by far. It is the reason I haven't written anything in here for so long and the reason I have lost so much faith in humanity. The worst fear any father has is that something will happen to his children and he won't be there to protect them. Something happened to one of my children. My youngest daughter was molested over a year ago. I can't begin to tell you the range of emotions I have gone through this last year. It breaks my heart to know that my little baby now has a fear she lives with every day which she never should have had to endure. It happened when they were at their mothers house and it was a family friend who did it. Actually it was the person who introduced her mother and I. Luckily her mother was there and sensed something was wrong and came in and caught him before he could hurt her worse. I can't go into a lot of details because of two things. I don't know exactly what happened because the police won't tell us and also because after over a year of enduring court date after court date he still hasn't gone to trial. I have gone to ever court date and had to look at his disgusting face every time. Their is no justice in this world for the innocent and victims only delays rights for the criminals. I can't express the emotional rollercoaster that I've been on in exact words. Anger is one of the most relevant emotions as is Hurt and Sorrow for my daughter. There have been many days when I have wanted to just hunt him down like the dog he is and end his sorry life in extremely cruel ways. Other days I grieve that my daughter has not received justice yet. This person has not even spent one night in jail yet. His lawyers know all the tricks to keep continuing the case to delay his inevitable jail time. The trial was supposed to be this past March but thanks to inept legislators that passed more criminals rights laws it has been put off until July. This is all still very hard to talk. The main thing that I have to say is that he better hope he serves prison time because if he doesn't I have no problem going to jail to uphold my daughters honor. Until July however all I can do is wait and try to help my family get by day to day.

That's it for now. I have nothing else to say. I don't know when my next update will be. Day to day bullshit seems so trifle when there are so many bigger things going on in the world around us. Until next time God Speed and Blessed Be!

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