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Now What?

Still confused

9:21 p.m. - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2001

I thrive on misery,

take it deep into my soul.

Consume it like an apple pie,

it starts to make me whole.

Happiness a forgotten word,

That I just can't comprehend.

Memories of another life,

fences I can't mend.

A trickle of light at the end of the road,

is all that I can see.

Memories flood suddenly into my mind,

of the man that I used to be.

Many things to be thankful for,

the joyous times I had.

The good times shared with loved ones,

that never made me sad.

The misery still lingers on,

not as strong though as before.

I'll try to look for happiness,

with those that I adore.

Eric Gunty

Still Confused

Tonight on my way home from work I had to stop at the Walmart in Tammy Soon's town. When I completed my shopping I figured I would go by to kiss the kids goodnight. Well that isn't exactly true. I did miss and want to see my kids but jealousy has been eating away at me also. I wanted to see if there was anyone else there. There wasn't and I felt like an ass for even thinking it.

I kissed the kids and gave them big hugs and told them I would see them in a couple days. ThenSoon walked me out to discuss some details of the divorce. After figuring some things out she said she wanted to get it done as quickly as possible and wondered if I would cause trouble because of what we talked about on Monday. I said no of course not, that wouldn't be good for the kids. Then she asked me what we should do about other people being around the kids. I didn't know what to say and I told her that. I told her that it seems pretty sudden to start dating already. After all she only moved out a week ago. I told her that it didn't matter what I thought that all that matters is what it will do to the kids.

For her to be so quick to jump back on the dating scene is unreal to me. It shows me just how bad our relationship really was and how little it meant to her. She had told me she didn't love me anymore and hasn't for awhile, but it doesn't make the hurt, anger, and jealousy any less real.

I will cope and try to put a smile on my face but I am afraid the bitterness inside of me will take over. Thank God it is only another day till I get my kids again. They are my rock, they are my foundation, they are my everything.

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